Why…

“I’m moving to Tokyo and I’ll be gone for three years. And I know it’s a lot to ask, but would you stay with me Darby?” He clasped my cold hands in his small, warm ones. Tears pricking at the corners of his hazel eyes as the chilling, late autumn wind swept through our joined figures.

                I slowly blinked and watched the steady puffs of my breath waft into the dimly lit sky. I knew Jameson had been planning to transfer to a four-year university after exhausting our towns small local college, but I never imagined he would go out of the state, yet alone the country. Now he planned to go away, for three years, three long years.

                “Darby, I know it’s a lot to ask and we’ve only been going out for a few months, but I love you. And I know you love me and I just, I…just can’t stand to lose you,” His grip on my hands tightened, his voice choking out the words at the end. The musky smell of his cologne grounded me while my head spun.

                I bit down hard on my lip. I blinked my eyes more rapidly to keep in the tears. I wanted to build a life with him, experience so many different, wonderful things with him. If I said no, would I ever get the chance back to have a future with him? Was this the only chance I’d ever have?”

                I softly squeezed the tips of his fingers and met his gaze. I gave him a bright smile with hooded eyes, “I know it wouldn’t be easy, but I don’t want to miss out on anything with you,”

                He yanked me into his chest, burying his face in the crock of my neck. His rushed breaths freezing the exposed skin. “Thank you, Darby,”

——-

                My fingers violently trembled. The ink on the page smeared. My legs gave out and my knees smacked into the grey, tiled floor. My knees throbbed while my lungs struggled to take in air. I dropped the letter as my fingers drove up into my hair, pulling at it and digging my nails into my scalp.  I pressed my face into the lukewarm tile and breathed in the nauseating scent of lemon cleaner.

                My stomach churned. I clenched my teeth together as I stifled a gag. My queasiness unfortunately did not distract me enough from replaying the letter over in my head:

                Darby, I’m sorry, but I can’t do this anymore. I hope you will find someone else who can make you happier. Good bye….Jameson.

                This break up didn’t make sense. I never claimed to be unhappy. Of course, being together in person would be better, but we had made it almost two years, so why was he throwing it away now? Why was he even breaking up with me? He had never said anything even hinting at such an idea. So, why did he do this? He said he wanted to make it work despite the distance. He said he wanted to marry me. He said he wanted to come home to me. So why did he throw my heart away like it was worthless to him? Why?

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